Special?…

When you are sitiing in your office and feeling the hurt in your heart you just want it to end.

You sit in awe of how you never realized how unvalued you were.

you are not special.

you are just another chick.

You feel common.

To be real I feel like an asshole..Angry and so dissapointed in not realizing it earlier.

Sometimes we get so blinded by love and being number one until the unthinkable happens and you realize you are nothing special at all…

Heartbreak sucks but I promise myself I will never feel this way again.

Childhood Trauma Regurgitation

owlWhen you are trying to be a better person but somehow life grabs you by the balls and says..”Fuck you and your positivity”

“Do you remember when this happened to you???”

“You never expressed your emotions so I feel like doing it now!”

Really??? you want to do this now?!

“Yes…I want to do it now. ”

“So…the idea is the only way for you to grow is to is to go through hell and fury to get through the hurt. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that you didn’t let yourself feel.”

I really don’t want to tho..I mean come on…How long do I have to go through this?

“As long as it takes for you to live a full happy fulfilling life that you have not let yourself live since you lost your childhood…I mean…What childhood???”

Do you ever feel so exhausted that all you want to do is lay in bed all day? or Maybe for a Month?

I know what your thinking that isn’t life..that is not living…

Yes! that’s true and this is why I do not let myself do it. there is a word for that… you are thinking to yourself..Its depression… I know what it is..I have struggled with it all my life and I am not going to keep letting it take over me anymore.

I am on a journey…a journey to a better me…

A few months ago I was so so happy on focusing on the good and joys that life brings.

but right now I am at a low point where I really don’t feel like doing the work to better myself. but this is also part of the journey.

I will get through this just like everything else…I will have good time and bad times…

If you love me..you will love me as I am.

That’s all.

 

Positivity in a Negative Mind

it_came_from_the_dark_mind_by_megrandyphotos-d3f796bHow can you be a positive person when all of humanity has shown you there is nothing to be positive about?
There are bombings everywhere, children dying by our government or by hunger.
A place where recording someone getting shot or beaten to death is rewarded by playing it over and over again on mass media.
How am I supposed to be positive?
My mind lives in the negative…growing up as a little one a mere 3 yrs old is when I learned I  needed to protect myself from the monsters who lived all around me.
I know something wrong can happen at anytime.
In the past few month’s I have tried to live in the positive and accept and rejoice in my little victories and not let the negativity get the best of me. But I always seem to find myself in this negative state of mind.

I try to shake it off but somedays it wins.
When your life has been nothing short of an Oscar winning performance it’s extremely hard to live in the positive. With the grace of God, the universe or w.e I will keep moving forward in this ww3esque journey to positivity.
I really hope that I will be the victor here and not the negativity that has had a hold of me all my life.

Me! My own worst enemy!

screenshot_20170226-152836Living this beautiful life as great as I can…

In love with love , loving the one I love…

Everything is not perfect but the way I’ve always wanted it to be.

“Hey…pssst come here let me fuxk with you for a min. ”

“Want to shake things up?! Are you bored?! Is there something missing? Are you just a broken person?! Guess what Im Gonna shake shit up!”

“I’m going to turn your life upside down…i got this.”

To my fellow self sabotagers…you all know what I’m talking about.

I understand!

You are not alone!

Fuck that MF!

We can fight him together by showing him we know how to live and improve ourselves so when he comes back around we can scream out “get the fuck out of here you piece of shit!”

We are going to live our best life! We’re doing it together!