Childhood Trauma Regurgitation

owlWhen you are trying to be a better person but somehow life grabs you by the balls and says..”Fuck you and your positivity”

“Do you remember when this happened to you???”

“You never expressed your emotions so I feel like doing it now!”

Really??? you want to do this now?!

“Yes…I want to do it now. ”

“So…the idea is the only way for you to grow is to is to go through hell and fury to get through the hurt. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that you didn’t let yourself feel.”

I really don’t want to tho..I mean come on…How long do I have to go through this?

“As long as it takes for you to live a full happy fulfilling life that you have not let yourself live since you lost your childhood…I mean…What childhood???”

Do you ever feel so exhausted that all you want to do is lay in bed all day? or Maybe for a Month?

I know what your thinking that isn’t life..that is not living…

Yes! that’s true and this is why I do not let myself do it. there is a word for that… you are thinking to yourself..Its depression… I know what it is..I have struggled with it all my life and I am not going to keep letting it take over me anymore.

I am on a journey…a journey to a better me…

A few months ago I was so so happy on focusing on the good and joys that life brings.

but right now I am at a low point where I really don’t feel like doing the work to better myself. but this is also part of the journey.

I will get through this just like everything else…I will have good time and bad times…

If you love me..you will love me as I am.

That’s all.

 

Live.Laugh.Love.Fear

As a 32 year old woman I thought I had most things figured out…lol

That is not the case. I recently went through a traumatic event that turned my life upside down.

Made me question everything that has happened in my life until now!

I really thought I had this… but not in matters of the heart….

I was really done with everything. I had made my mind up about pretty much everything.

I didn’t know I was doing at the time but I was selling myself short… Why?

Why was I deliberately hurting myself.

I’ll tell you why… I was in so much FEAR of being hurt or someone hurting me that I took it upon myself to hurt me. (Yeah you read that right)

I thought that I knew what I was doing.That was not the case. I had gotten the urge that I needed to get the fuck out of dodge..That wasn’t the answer.

I need to get the fuck out of my head. Step aside evaluate, think, process…

I had went into fight or flight mode I was in that mode for most of my life. And so that’s what I did. I flew….

It was one of the most painful experiences in my life and trust me I have been through a lot of those but this one was self inflicted. I knew I was wrong from all the pain I felt. I thought that I would get a sense of relief… A sense of peace..but all I felt was chaos and a pain in my heart that felt as if a samurai came from behind and stuck his sword right through my heart! I was in extreme pain. Tears would not stop flowing from my eyes. no matter where I was…The only place I didn’t cry was at home. I needed to be strong for my child. I didn’t want to hurt her with my selfish ways of why the pain was caused in the first place.

This gave me time to acknowledge, self reflect, evaluate, and take full responsibility for my feelings and my actions. It may sound nuts but this was extremely liberating. Us as people always want to point the finger for our misfortunes in life… its natural. but when you realize that a lot of what is going on is your fault. You realize that you have control of your life and how you feel and where you want to take it.

 

Its no more of that “oh God why does this happen to me?”

It becomes “what have I done till now to bring me to this place.?”

So with that I realized a lot of the things I had made up my mind about till now  was out of fear and not what may happen. I stopped myself from living my best life on purpose.

Why??? I was tired of feeling pain. So I just stopped feeling, loving, expressing my love to myself and those who were around me.

Just with the few steps that I have taken on this path of self discovery and responsibility has been nothing short from amazing.

I still have a ways to go but I will tell you right now it feels great!

When will you start your journey?

So I can tell you ” See its not so hard…I told you so”

Don’t be afraid to live, Love and laugh. It is one of the greatest gifts of being alive!