Childhood Trauma Regurgitation

owlWhen you are trying to be a better person but somehow life grabs you by the balls and says..”Fuck you and your positivity”

“Do you remember when this happened to you???”

“You never expressed your emotions so I feel like doing it now!”

Really??? you want to do this now?!

“Yes…I want to do it now. ”

“So…the idea is the only way for you to grow is to is to go through hell and fury to get through the hurt. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that you didn’t let yourself feel.”

I really don’t want to tho..I mean come on…How long do I have to go through this?

“As long as it takes for you to live a full happy fulfilling life that you have not let yourself live since you lost your childhood…I mean…What childhood???”

Do you ever feel so exhausted that all you want to do is lay in bed all day? or Maybe for a Month?

I know what your thinking that isn’t life..that is not living…

Yes! that’s true and this is why I do not let myself do it. there is a word for that… you are thinking to yourself..Its depression… I know what it is..I have struggled with it all my life and I am not going to keep letting it take over me anymore.

I am on a journey…a journey to a better me…

A few months ago I was so so happy on focusing on the good and joys that life brings.

but right now I am at a low point where I really don’t feel like doing the work to better myself. but this is also part of the journey.

I will get through this just like everything else…I will have good time and bad times…

If you love me..you will love me as I am.

That’s all.

 

Positivity in a Negative Mind

it_came_from_the_dark_mind_by_megrandyphotos-d3f796bHow can you be a positive person when all of humanity has shown you there is nothing to be positive about?
There are bombings everywhere, children dying by our government or by hunger.
A place where recording someone getting shot or beaten to death is rewarded by playing it over and over again on mass media.
How am I supposed to be positive?
My mind lives in the negative…growing up as a little one a mere 3 yrs old is when I learned I  needed to protect myself from the monsters who lived all around me.
I know something wrong can happen at anytime.
In the past few month’s I have tried to live in the positive and accept and rejoice in my little victories and not let the negativity get the best of me. But I always seem to find myself in this negative state of mind.

I try to shake it off but somedays it wins.
When your life has been nothing short of an Oscar winning performance it’s extremely hard to live in the positive. With the grace of God, the universe or w.e I will keep moving forward in this ww3esque journey to positivity.
I really hope that I will be the victor here and not the negativity that has had a hold of me all my life.

Train Ride

As I sit here with the many commuters of the city traveling to work my mind just wanders off .
I think about how far I’ve come in life and how proud i am of myself.
I think about how beautiful and smart my daughter is.
I think about how blessed I am to have a man in my life who truly loves me.
I think about my job and where it’s taking me in life.
I think about the many people that are my supporters in life and how grateful I am for them.
I think about buying a home and a nice neighborhood where I can lay my head at night in peace along with my little family.

All I do is keep thinking positively and keep pushing for a better me. It’s not that I’m not happy with who I am or grateful for this moment. I just know that I can make my future brighter!

Looking at all these faces on the train makes me wonder…what are they thinking about on their commute to work?

My Arizona Trip (Sedona & Grand Canyon)

This was my first trip ever on my own…Totally alone.

It was a magnificent amazing trip with the self and getting know who I was again.

It was extremely overwhelming to see the Canyon… My heart felt as if it were to going explode with the grandness,vastness, and beauty of the Canyon.

It reminds you of how magnificent we are as human beings and how much of a gift is to be alive and able to explore these beautiful places.

Allow yourself to explore and go on your own adventures once in a while.

IMG_3987IMG_3990IMG_3992IMG_4017IMG_4020IMG_4055IMG_4070IMG_4098IMG_4107San Fran Mountain

 

To Love Without Condition!

I have never known what it was like to love completely and totally.. Well I have once in my life and it was ripped away from me.

It tore my heart out of my body, and my soul was dormant.

Made me live in fear of loving like that again.

I was cautious when the right love came around…I thought it was too good to be true…

So what did I do? I pushed it as far away as I could..Kept resisting… pushed it so far until it was out of my life.

It was then I realized there was something wrong…. I was pushing away a love because of a ghost..Someone and something that will never ever come back. but  was afraid  of losing him like I lost my love before…

Living in fear! Living and not living at the same time.

Wanting to be loved but not loving whole hardheartedly….

What I have learned from this horrid experience is that when you love it is without condition.

When I lost my love for the second time I was determined in working on the self and loving myself as hard as I needed to… I loved myself above all!

I wanted my Love back! I wanted him by my side… I wanted him to show him how much love I had within me to give.I deserved it and so did he! He deserved to be loved by me without limits.

This is a new love…A love I have never felt before…I’m more mature… I’m more open to receiving love and giving love!

You deserve all the love in the world after all the hell I have put you through… I have dedicated my whole heart, body &soul to you!

This love I feel is limitless and will continue to grow as time goes on!
It feels good to finally live the life I deserve! To love without fear!  To love without condition!

I thank you for showing me what it is to truly Love again!

I love you!

xoxo

 

Live.Laugh.Love.Fear

As a 32 year old woman I thought I had most things figured out…lol

That is not the case. I recently went through a traumatic event that turned my life upside down.

Made me question everything that has happened in my life until now!

I really thought I had this… but not in matters of the heart….

I was really done with everything. I had made my mind up about pretty much everything.

I didn’t know I was doing at the time but I was selling myself short… Why?

Why was I deliberately hurting myself.

I’ll tell you why… I was in so much FEAR of being hurt or someone hurting me that I took it upon myself to hurt me. (Yeah you read that right)

I thought that I knew what I was doing.That was not the case. I had gotten the urge that I needed to get the fuck out of dodge..That wasn’t the answer.

I need to get the fuck out of my head. Step aside evaluate, think, process…

I had went into fight or flight mode I was in that mode for most of my life. And so that’s what I did. I flew….

It was one of the most painful experiences in my life and trust me I have been through a lot of those but this one was self inflicted. I knew I was wrong from all the pain I felt. I thought that I would get a sense of relief… A sense of peace..but all I felt was chaos and a pain in my heart that felt as if a samurai came from behind and stuck his sword right through my heart! I was in extreme pain. Tears would not stop flowing from my eyes. no matter where I was…The only place I didn’t cry was at home. I needed to be strong for my child. I didn’t want to hurt her with my selfish ways of why the pain was caused in the first place.

This gave me time to acknowledge, self reflect, evaluate, and take full responsibility for my feelings and my actions. It may sound nuts but this was extremely liberating. Us as people always want to point the finger for our misfortunes in life… its natural. but when you realize that a lot of what is going on is your fault. You realize that you have control of your life and how you feel and where you want to take it.

 

Its no more of that “oh God why does this happen to me?”

It becomes “what have I done till now to bring me to this place.?”

So with that I realized a lot of the things I had made up my mind about till now  was out of fear and not what may happen. I stopped myself from living my best life on purpose.

Why??? I was tired of feeling pain. So I just stopped feeling, loving, expressing my love to myself and those who were around me.

Just with the few steps that I have taken on this path of self discovery and responsibility has been nothing short from amazing.

I still have a ways to go but I will tell you right now it feels great!

When will you start your journey?

So I can tell you ” See its not so hard…I told you so”

Don’t be afraid to live, Love and laugh. It is one of the greatest gifts of being alive!

 

Me! My own worst enemy!

screenshot_20170226-152836Living this beautiful life as great as I can…

In love with love , loving the one I love…

Everything is not perfect but the way I’ve always wanted it to be.

“Hey…pssst come here let me fuxk with you for a min. ”

“Want to shake things up?! Are you bored?! Is there something missing? Are you just a broken person?! Guess what Im Gonna shake shit up!”

“I’m going to turn your life upside down…i got this.”

To my fellow self sabotagers…you all know what I’m talking about.

I understand!

You are not alone!

Fuck that MF!

We can fight him together by showing him we know how to live and improve ourselves so when he comes back around we can scream out “get the fuck out of here you piece of shit!”

We are going to live our best life! We’re doing it together!