What do you do when you dont know what tge fuck to do???
Things have gotten crazy…
A person i thkight i would spenft the rest of my life with isnt around around any more…why???
Adulting i guess….
My mind a fog
My heart hurt
My thoughts a jumbled up mess
The question i ask my self constantly…
What am i goibf to do???
Where am i going??
Tomorrow these thoughts may be gone but right now they haunt me… 😩
One day you wake up just like every other day…
The day goes by and takes a turn for the worst.
Here you are thinking you are doing a fantastic job with yourself and all things that surround you.
You thought wrong.
You ain’t shit!
You’re not as good as you thought you were if ever!
You lack in more places than you thought!
You aren’t good enough and never will be!
Where do you get such an idea?
From the very person you thought you would never hear those words from…
Your partner, your lover, your best friend….
Or so you thought.
This person isn’t who you thought them to be…
I am so extremely and utterly heart broken from the news…
My spirit has been broken…
I don’t have the energy for much…
But I do know this…
I am trying my best and doing the best I can to achieve greatness and sometimes that isn’t enough for anyone.
That isn’t going to stop me from running to my goals…
It just dimmed the fire that I had in my soul and now I am lost in the dark…not knowing which way to turn.
It’s a shame when things don’t workout the way you want them to.
But ask your self…do you really want a fire fighter at your bonfire?
When you are trying to be a better person but somehow life grabs you by the balls and says..”Fuck you and your positivity”
“Do you remember when this happened to you???”
“You never expressed your emotions so I feel like doing it now!”
Really??? you want to do this now?!
“Yes…I want to do it now. ”
“So…the idea is the only way for you to grow is to is to go through hell and fury to get through the hurt. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that you didn’t let yourself feel.”
I really don’t want to tho..I mean come on…How long do I have to go through this?
“As long as it takes for you to live a full happy fulfilling life that you have not let yourself live since you lost your childhood…I mean…What childhood???”
Do you ever feel so exhausted that all you want to do is lay in bed all day? or Maybe for a Month?
I know what your thinking that isn’t life..that is not living…
Yes! that’s true and this is why I do not let myself do it. there is a word for that… you are thinking to yourself..Its depression… I know what it is..I have struggled with it all my life and I am not going to keep letting it take over me anymore.
I am on a journey…a journey to a better me…
A few months ago I was so so happy on focusing on the good and joys that life brings.
but right now I am at a low point where I really don’t feel like doing the work to better myself. but this is also part of the journey.
I will get through this just like everything else…I will have good time and bad times…
As I sit here with the many commuters of the city traveling to work my mind just wanders off .
I think about how far I’ve come in life and how proud i am of myself.
I think about how beautiful and smart my daughter is.
I think about how blessed I am to have a man in my life who truly loves me.
I think about my job and where it’s taking me in life.
I think about the many people that are my supporters in life and how grateful I am for them.
I think about buying a home and a nice neighborhood where I can lay my head at night in peace along with my little family.
All I do is keep thinking positively and keep pushing for a better me. It’s not that I’m not happy with who I am or grateful for this moment. I just know that I can make my future brighter!
Looking at all these faces on the train makes me wonder…what are they thinking about on their commute to work?
I have never known what it was like to love completely and totally.. Well I have once in my life and it was ripped away from me.
It tore my heart out of my body, and my soul was dormant.
Made me live in fear of loving like that again.
I was cautious when the right love came around…I thought it was too good to be true…
So what did I do? I pushed it as far away as I could..Kept resisting… pushed it so far until it was out of my life.
It was then I realized there was something wrong…. I was pushing away a love because of a ghost..Someone and something that will never ever come back. but was afraid of losing him like I lost my love before…
Living in fear! Living and not living at the same time.
Wanting to be loved but not loving whole hardheartedly….
What I have learned from this horrid experience is that when you love it is without condition.
When I lost my love for the second time I was determined in working on the self and loving myself as hard as I needed to… I loved myself above all!
I wanted my Love back! I wanted him by my side… I wanted him to show him how much love I had within me to give.I deserved it and so did he! He deserved to be loved by me without limits.
This is a new love…A love I have never felt before…I’m more mature… I’m more open to receiving love and giving love!
You deserve all the love in the world after all the hell I have put you through… I have dedicated my whole heart, body &soul to you!
This love I feel is limitless and will continue to grow as time goes on!
It feels good to finally live the life I deserve! To love without fear! To love without condition!
I thank you for showing me what it is to truly Love again!