Drunkin Thoughts

What do you do when you dont know what tge fuck to do???
Things have gotten crazy…
A person i thkight i would spenft the rest of my life with isnt around around any more…why???
Adulting i guess….
My mind a fog
My heart hurt
My thoughts a jumbled up mess

The question i ask my self constantly…
What am i goibf to do???
Where am i going??
Tomorrow these thoughts may be gone but right now they haunt me… 😩

Childhood Trauma Regurgitation

owlWhen you are trying to be a better person but somehow life grabs you by the balls and says..”Fuck you and your positivity”

“Do you remember when this happened to you???”

“You never expressed your emotions so I feel like doing it now!”

Really??? you want to do this now?!

“Yes…I want to do it now. ”

“So…the idea is the only way for you to grow is to is to go through hell and fury to get through the hurt. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that you didn’t let yourself feel.”

I really don’t want to tho..I mean come on…How long do I have to go through this?

“As long as it takes for you to live a full happy fulfilling life that you have not let yourself live since you lost your childhood…I mean…What childhood???”

Do you ever feel so exhausted that all you want to do is lay in bed all day? or Maybe for a Month?

I know what your thinking that isn’t life..that is not living…

Yes! that’s true and this is why I do not let myself do it. there is a word for that… you are thinking to yourself..Its depression… I know what it is..I have struggled with it all my life and I am not going to keep letting it take over me anymore.

I am on a journey…a journey to a better me…

A few months ago I was so so happy on focusing on the good and joys that life brings.

but right now I am at a low point where I really don’t feel like doing the work to better myself. but this is also part of the journey.

I will get through this just like everything else…I will have good time and bad times…

If you love me..you will love me as I am.

That’s all.

 

Positivity in a Negative Mind

it_came_from_the_dark_mind_by_megrandyphotos-d3f796bHow can you be a positive person when all of humanity has shown you there is nothing to be positive about?
There are bombings everywhere, children dying by our government or by hunger.
A place where recording someone getting shot or beaten to death is rewarded by playing it over and over again on mass media.
How am I supposed to be positive?
My mind lives in the negative…growing up as a little one a mere 3 yrs old is when I learned I  needed to protect myself from the monsters who lived all around me.
I know something wrong can happen at anytime.
In the past few month’s I have tried to live in the positive and accept and rejoice in my little victories and not let the negativity get the best of me. But I always seem to find myself in this negative state of mind.

I try to shake it off but somedays it wins.
When your life has been nothing short of an Oscar winning performance it’s extremely hard to live in the positive. With the grace of God, the universe or w.e I will keep moving forward in this ww3esque journey to positivity.
I really hope that I will be the victor here and not the negativity that has had a hold of me all my life.

Train Ride

As I sit here with the many commuters of the city traveling to work my mind just wanders off .
I think about how far I’ve come in life and how proud i am of myself.
I think about how beautiful and smart my daughter is.
I think about how blessed I am to have a man in my life who truly loves me.
I think about my job and where it’s taking me in life.
I think about the many people that are my supporters in life and how grateful I am for them.
I think about buying a home and a nice neighborhood where I can lay my head at night in peace along with my little family.

All I do is keep thinking positively and keep pushing for a better me. It’s not that I’m not happy with who I am or grateful for this moment. I just know that I can make my future brighter!

Looking at all these faces on the train makes me wonder…what are they thinking about on their commute to work?

My Arizona Trip (Sedona & Grand Canyon)

This was my first trip ever on my own…Totally alone.

It was a magnificent amazing trip with the self and getting know who I was again.

It was extremely overwhelming to see the Canyon… My heart felt as if it were to going explode with the grandness,vastness, and beauty of the Canyon.

It reminds you of how magnificent we are as human beings and how much of a gift is to be alive and able to explore these beautiful places.

Allow yourself to explore and go on your own adventures once in a while.

IMG_3987IMG_3990IMG_3992IMG_4017IMG_4020IMG_4055IMG_4070IMG_4098IMG_4107San Fran Mountain

 

To Love Without Condition!

I have never known what it was like to love completely and totally.. Well I have once in my life and it was ripped away from me.

It tore my heart out of my body, and my soul was dormant.

Made me live in fear of loving like that again.

I was cautious when the right love came around…I thought it was too good to be true…

So what did I do? I pushed it as far away as I could..Kept resisting… pushed it so far until it was out of my life.

It was then I realized there was something wrong…. I was pushing away a love because of a ghost..Someone and something that will never ever come back. but  was afraid  of losing him like I lost my love before…

Living in fear! Living and not living at the same time.

Wanting to be loved but not loving whole hardheartedly….

What I have learned from this horrid experience is that when you love it is without condition.

When I lost my love for the second time I was determined in working on the self and loving myself as hard as I needed to… I loved myself above all!

I wanted my Love back! I wanted him by my side… I wanted him to show him how much love I had within me to give.I deserved it and so did he! He deserved to be loved by me without limits.

This is a new love…A love I have never felt before…I’m more mature… I’m more open to receiving love and giving love!

You deserve all the love in the world after all the hell I have put you through… I have dedicated my whole heart, body &soul to you!

This love I feel is limitless and will continue to grow as time goes on!
It feels good to finally live the life I deserve! To love without fear!  To love without condition!

I thank you for showing me what it is to truly Love again!

I love you!

xoxo