Childhood Trauma Regurgitation

owlWhen you are trying to be a better person but somehow life grabs you by the balls and says..”Fuck you and your positivity”

“Do you remember when this happened to you???”

“You never expressed your emotions so I feel like doing it now!”

Really??? you want to do this now?!

“Yes…I want to do it now. ”

“So…the idea is the only way for you to grow is to is to go through hell and fury to get through the hurt. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness that you didn’t let yourself feel.”

I really don’t want to tho..I mean come on…How long do I have to go through this?

“As long as it takes for you to live a full happy fulfilling life that you have not let yourself live since you lost your childhood…I mean…What childhood???”

Do you ever feel so exhausted that all you want to do is lay in bed all day? or Maybe for a Month?

I know what your thinking that isn’t life..that is not living…

Yes! that’s true and this is why I do not let myself do it. there is a word for that… you are thinking to yourself..Its depression… I know what it is..I have struggled with it all my life and I am not going to keep letting it take over me anymore.

I am on a journey…a journey to a better me…

A few months ago I was so so happy on focusing on the good and joys that life brings.

but right now I am at a low point where I really don’t feel like doing the work to better myself. but this is also part of the journey.

I will get through this just like everything else…I will have good time and bad times…

If you love me..you will love me as I am.

That’s all.

 

Train Ride

As I sit here with the many commuters of the city traveling to work my mind just wanders off .
I think about how far I’ve come in life and how proud i am of myself.
I think about how beautiful and smart my daughter is.
I think about how blessed I am to have a man in my life who truly loves me.
I think about my job and where it’s taking me in life.
I think about the many people that are my supporters in life and how grateful I am for them.
I think about buying a home and a nice neighborhood where I can lay my head at night in peace along with my little family.

All I do is keep thinking positively and keep pushing for a better me. It’s not that I’m not happy with who I am or grateful for this moment. I just know that I can make my future brighter!

Looking at all these faces on the train makes me wonder…what are they thinking about on their commute to work?